I ate for the first time in a good few days yesterday. What happened was I went round to my parents house to drop off their Christmas presents but before I could even say hi my mum told me off because I've 'lost too much weight' and 'look dead again' which was great so she made me one of my favourite foods- Pigs in blankets! Now I do love these fabulous little meat snacks but the amount of fat is too much for me at the moment! So she takes 40 minutes while I'm sat their chain smoking and drinking LOADS of water kind of internally panicking but pretending not to cause I don't want her to think I'm ill again and all this for me to only eat half of one, sneak 3 of the 6 in a tissue and throw the rest in the bin when she'd left the room. I felt like a failure. I feel like I have failed everyone around me because my favourite foods are off limits to me and I have to lie and deceive people and that's definitely not like me at all but my eating disorder makes me lie and be deceptive to others yet I can't lie about anything else, only food. It's all very twisted and screwed up and I know this but still can't get over it. I feel like I should be able to but everyday faces new food issues lately, I feel too sick or tired or nervous or anxious to eat and I feel like I'm never going to be able to just go out for a meal or sit in a café with people ever again.
Today felt like a binge eat. I wanted to make my friend worry less so ate some of his chocolate orange and some baked beans. I threw it up as soon as I got home, I can't seem to function enough lately to get through work or life in general. I feel as if everything is too much and I keep crying at work which is silly and childish but I can't seem to help it. I wish I was healthy or dead. I don't want to live unhealthy but it's all I seem to have been able to do for years. Some days I just don't want to get out of bed, and lately, it seems to be most days.
The only really good thing about recently is my new friend from work! She's a single mum and her mum was so similar to how mine used to be, we get a long really well and she's quiet which means when I talk for hours she doesn't mind. I think me and her are gonna be really good friends soon, well I hope so and she gets what it's like being so young and independent so we have a lot to relate about. She's a genuinely kind hearted sole who brings everyone at work treats and snacks all the time and it's so cute! I've also reminisced with an old college friend who I haven't seen in a while and she's so sweet and kind! She never says a bad thing against anyone and totally gets my mental health issues. I have lots of new and old people in my life that I've started to narrow down to the good ones. I say lots, there's probably about 5 or 6? Which isn't many but more than enough to get through life with.
You only need a few good people, I'd rather have good people than lots of fake ones. It means I have people I can trust that I care about and they care about me. It will make my eventual journey to recovery easier. If I ever get there.
I'll pray about it and hopefully it will get easier.
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